Thursday, July 19, 2012

Mystery Solved, Now What?

Just because I know what is wrong with my knee doesn't mean it is healed. Duh. If only it worked that way. I am actually feeling more frustrated than ever. I have turned into that annoying runner who doesn't want to listen to anyone, MD, PT, ATC, fellow runner. I just want to RUN!

This "pain" has been going on since March. So for 4 solid months I have been dealing with this and if you have been following me at all, you have had to deal with my stupidity, arrogance even. Why can I tell people everyday to do something else for cardio while their injuries heal, but I can run while I am injured? I can't. I am not above other runners out there. I heal the same way. Then why did I waste the last 4 months being stupid? Probably because I AM stupid or just stubborn.

I have tried therapy on my own and with a PT. I have done Graston Technique and additional soft tissue mobilization done. Pelvic/core strengthening and mobilization done. I've tried Kinesiotape and bracing. Nothing has worked. I finally gave up and went to a doctor, got an MRI to rule out other pathologies and all it came back with was a small amount of degenerative changes and some mild fluid around the ITB. That's it. I guess I should be grateful that I don't have a meniscal tear. I am just annoyed that so little can cause so much pain! Maybe I am just a wuss.

I had my follow-up with the ortho on Friday. He did an injection of cortisone and told me to take it easy for a few days. Of course I didn't listen and tried to run on Sunday morning. I got about 2 miles in and my entire knee hurt. I sadly walked home. I shed some tears after a very fit, young, blond woman zoomed past me. I hate getting older. I hate that my body doesn't want to keep up with my mind. I hate that I feel like I wasted the last 4 months messing around when I should have just taken my running shoes and put them on a shelf while all I did was rehab. Now I am about a week away from one of the races I was so determined to run and where am I? As my mom would say, "Up shit's creek without a paddle."

I realized something else Sunday morning. It's not just that I am stupid and stubborn. It's that I feel like I have something to prove to everyone. I am not getting any younger and I have so much on my plate, a job, kids, a home and family to take care of. I feel like I need to prove it to the world that I can handle everything all while being a fit strong woman who didn't give up and let herself go. Stupid, I know. I am caught in between these two worlds of working woman and wanna be stay at home mom. I have been able to keep all the balls in the air but it's a lot of work and I'm tired. So what's going to happen with me and my running? Who knows. I am going to get through the races I have paid for and go from there.

Thanks for reading and listening to me whine about inconsequential stuff when there is surely more to worry about in the world than my aching knee. 

"I run because it's so symbolic of life. You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can't. But then you find your inner strength, and realize you're capable of so much more than you thought."
--Arthur Blank


  1. I hear ya girl! I think I might have a few years on you though.;) Pretty blondes zooming past do NOT help, lol. I am at the point in life where I need to let my faith and my family be what matters most. I have a neighbor that I am dying to beat in a race, just once! Its terrible really. I have to talk and pray myself out of feeling that way. I love her to pieces but that competitive (and evil) spirit in me sneaks up on me at every race we do together.

    I won't give up and I will still move. I will never come in first but every PR is a victory and every a finish line a true accomplishment that I can call my very own., first..probably never (well maybe if I can stick it out to my 90;s), but happy and proud of myself YES! Good luck with the injury, Lord knows I have had a few and been in your shoes. Take care.

  2. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I have tried to stay positive and althought I talk about it (a lot), I haven't let it bother me that much until now. I think I am just in the mood to have a pity party. That, and I need to cute myself some slack. I expect way to much of myself and truly think I have to be able to do "it all" to be a good mom, wife, worker, etc...

    Thanks again.

  3. Sorry to hear about your frustrations! You are obviously a determined and strong person and you will find your way out of this.